(the Best of) Kindness through Connection (As in People)

(the Best of) A Year of Being Kind, Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Today is Ash Wednesday. But I’m not going to concentrate on ashes in my post. Instead, I’m going back to a situation where I was not simply kind (as in, ‘nice’), but I may have helped out in a material way. I hope so. I pray so.

A Year of Being Kind blog – Saturday, February 15, 2014

 

friends drinking coffee
credit – courtesy of the BBC

Kindness through Connection (As in People)

Some days ago, I happened to run into a friend of mine. I hadn’t seen this friend for a number of months, and was very happy to reconnect with him. Someone was with him, someone I had never met before. I smiled my friendly smile and stepped towards this second man. He seemed a bit hesitant and taken aback, almost as if he was unsure exactly why I’d even smile at him. My chaplain antennae started twitching. I detected something, some way of being that concerned me. I softened my voice and manner and started talking to him and our mutual friend, both together.

After seating ourselves and after initial uncertainty, my new friend opened up. He and I made an instant connection, too. He told me he had been out of work for a number of months. As the months began to pile up, he became more and more discouraged. I recognized the plight and problem of the long-term unemployed: employers hesitating even to consider people who have been unemployed for a long period of time. This wasn’t under-employment, but instead unemployment, pure and simple. Feelings of uselessness, self-pity, anger, despair, depression. (Sadly, I could relate, since I have gone through similar times in my own life and experience.)

This sort of thing does not happen to me all the time, or even most of the time. But making an instant connection does happen sometimes. And when I get the feeling, the urge to talk with someone, I usually listen to that urge. And, I listen to the person, too. As I was taught, I try to journey with the person for a little while. And, I try to actively listen to the story the person brings to me, too.

After I found out what my new friend had been doing before he was “downsized,” I realized I was acquainted with an older man who had worked for decades in the same industry before his retirement. Accordingly, I told my new friend. It was marvelous to see him perk up and tentatively begin to blossom. He asked me whether I could give the retired fellow his name and number. “Certainly!” I again smiled my friendly smile at him. I cautioned that I might not see this retired man for a number of days. My new friend said that would be okay—he had been unemployed for so long, a few more days (give or take) wouldn’t matter.

So, I ran into the retired man yesterday. He was interested in the story of my new friend’s long-term unemployment, and readily gave me his telephone number. However, he cautioned, my new friend needed to call him. (Excellent strategy—make the unemployed man need to do something.)

I called my new friend today. I gave him the cell phone number, and boy, was he grateful!  For him, this phone number was a lifeline, a connection with an industry that had been holding him at arm’s length for months. He said thank you to me, several times.

All because I made a connection, introducing two people who otherwise might never have met. What a way to be kind. What an opportunity to show caring and encouragement, in God’s name.

@chaplaineliza

(Suggestion: visit me at my daily blog for 2015: matterofprayer: A Year of Everyday Prayers. Thanks!)

Kind to Myself at a Silent Retreat

A Year of Being Kind blog – Saturday, September 20, 2014

Kind to Myself at a Silent Retreat

I spent today in silence. At least, most of the day. In silence, reflection, prayer, and meditation.

At first, when I thought about participating in this retreat, I couldn’t justify spending a whole Saturday away. A whole Saturday when I intentionally separated myself from the busy, day-to-day, hustle and bustle. But the more I thought about it, the more I considered it to be something I needed to do. For myself, and for my spiritual health.

So, yes. I was kind to myself today. As the title of the day of prayer said, this was a Soul Care Day. A day to be gentle with the soul, and to reflect on scripture. The two reflections of the day touched me deeply. (Both on the Good Shepherd; the morning reflection on Psalm 23, and the afternoon reflection on John 10.) It was deeply moving to have a connection with God in such an intimate way. Another powerful thing that moved me as well was the additional material each participant received.

I found I appreciated the prompts that helped me join this silent retreat fully. Concerns (about myself, others close to me, my work), weariness (of body, mind or spirit), distractions (that occupy or nag at my mind or heart) and fears (“what ifs,” outcomes, expectations). I was encouraged to bring any or all of these things to conscious awareness, as they came to mind, and set them aside. So I might fully enter into the retreat.

A third thing that touched me deeply was a private prayer time I had with the retreat leaders. This was a kind and giving act they offered. A precious gift, and I welcomed it. Three people prayed with me. One I have only known and seen several times. The other two I have known for a long time. One woman has a number of children, with two the exact ages of my two youngest. She and I were in a mom’s bible study together for years, before I even went to seminary. (And the third? My spiritual director, and an amazing woman of faith.)

It was restful and helpful for me to step away. Step out of a leadership position at the church where I work, and rest in the hands of God. Walk with the Good Shepherd for a short time, and rest in the green pastures of God’s grace and love. Thank You, God, for this wonderful opportunity to rest in You.

@chaplaineliza

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Being of Service? Shopping for Someone Else!

A Year of Being Kind blog – Monday, September 8, 2014

Being of Service? Shopping for Someone Else!

Grand that I stopped at the grocery store yesterday evening! Why, you ask? Thanks for asking! I’ll take a closer look at this situation and let you in on what happened.

After running a few errands yesterday, I found myself on the other side of town. At first, I was just going to come back home. But upon a quick, mental inventory of what I had in the kitchen, I reflected that I may as well stop by the grocery store and get a few things. Lo and behold, as I walked into the store, I met someone asking for money outside. I mean, not only outside of the entryway of the store, but outside, as in on the sidewalk.

Yes, it was the same man I had seen there before, several times. I don’t often come to this particular store any more, not living in the immediate neighborhood any longer. (My son has recently told me this man has staked out his territory,) Yes, the same middle-aged man with dreadlocks and a lovely smile was back at his (temporary) post, on several plastic milk crates.

I walked right up to him. He remembered me, and the familiar, big smile broke out upon his lips. I grinned back. We greeted each other, and I asked, “I’m going in for just a couple of things. While I’m inside, do you need anything?” He thought for a moment, and then said, “Tuna. A can of tuna would be wonderful. Then, that way, I can mix up the tuna and make sandwiches.” He smiled again. “I have eggs, too. Egg salad mixed with tuna? Sounds tasty, to me.” His wide smile connected with mine.

After picking up a few things for myself, what do you know, the store brand tuna was on sale for a dollar a can! What the hay, I stuck three cans in my cart. I also went by the bread, got a sandwich-style loaf (also on sale). On my way to the cashier, saw some canned mandarin oranges. (I remembered him saying, some weeks ago, how much he enjoyed them.) Those went in the cart, too. All in all, I spent six dollars buying things for this engaging fellow. And, I thought of him as I took the items off the shelves.

I thought of his limited mobility. I don’t know his story. (I never asked.) But, I suspect it is sad. Difficult. Even, a hard-luck tale. My new verse for September comes from Galatians 6:2—“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

By my getting a couple of items of food for the engaging fellow, I provided some assistance. Some easing of the worry and concern he had, since he clearly was asking for money. I was journeying with him for a little bit. I tried to ease his burden, too.

I reflected on how good it made me feel, just choosing some things that I knew he would enjoy. Thanks, God! Thank You for connecting us again.

@chaplaineliza

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Telling My Story, Being Helpful

A Year of Being Kind blog – Monday, June 2, 2014

Telling My Story, Being Helpful

I don’t know about you, but I have difficulty connecting with people when they try to lecture me. (Well, not always, but usually. There are exceptions. Rare, but true.) If someone tries to deliver dry, dull facts and figures without something to catch my interest, good luck trying to keep my attention.

But this wasn’t the case this afternoon. I went to the YMCA, to my yoga and gentle stretching class. Excellent class, as always! I found my heart rate slowing down, my breathing evening out. Everything about my respiration and operation of my cardio system became much more even. Wonderful, how that happens. And these positive, physical qualities happen whenever I go to yoga now, indeed!

True, I had a number of things to do today. Plus, I brought my daughter to the store to get some containers. (She’s discovered she loves tea. So, she now has more than a dozen different kinds of tea. Thus—the containers.) I was almost late for yoga class! I did get in to the YMCA just a few minutes before class began. So, whew!

I honestly tried to focus on the various poses we had set for us. (Mostly the same, from week to week.) Because of the excellent teaching and facilitation of the class, I always am able to enter into this class. I become fully present for the stretching, yoga poses, and final relaxation—and it’s wonderful. But it was afterwards that I think I was helpful.

In the locker room, I changed out of my exercise clothes and put on the street clothes I had in my locker. I overheard the conversation between my teacher and one of the other students, on the other side of the bank of lockers. I laughed and made a second comment to my teacher, who was standing at the end of the lockers—visible to both my classmate and to me. The other woman piped up, “Who is that over there?” in a friendly kind of way. I came around and we greeted each other. The woman asked, “What was that you said?”

I told her that I had been going to yoga class since the beginning of December. And, my back has had so much less pain recently! I swear by yoga, and by the marvelous combination of yoga poses and stretching my wonderful teacher uses. The woman nodded, quite serious, listening intently. I told her a little bit of my story! Not about the scary, or the sad. But about the pertinent part. About how much of a difference yoga has made in my life, even though I have just been going to this class for only six months.

Telling my story? It makes a big difference! People sit up and listen! But if I lecture and inform with dry statistics and facts, I won’t have much of an audience at all. I’m glad I could give this woman a hopeful, encouraging outlook on yoga.

God, thanks for giving me the push to get into yoga. It sure helps me, both physically and mentally. And I had a great story to tell today, too. Always a good thing.

@chaplaineliza

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Serving with Heart—at Heartland Health Outreach (Feature Friday!)

A Year of Being Kind blog – Friday, April 18, 2014

Serving with Heart—at Heartland Health Outreach (Feature Friday!)

Helping the homeless—going out on the streets. That’s what Heartland Alliance does in Chicago. Heartland mixes service to the poorest of the poor, the homeless among us, with connection and caring.

This agency tries to bring a human rights component to their work with those in poverty. Heartland has a several-pronged approach to their efforts among the homeless, and offers people the opportunity to improve their lives and conditions, and to break the painful cycle of poverty. The volunteers and workers at Heartland try to offer housing, healthcare, jobs and justice to the homeless and down-and-out people.

I’d like to focus on one particular work of the Heartland Alliance: the Health Outreach. I talked today with Rachel, a registered nurse who went out with the groups quite a number of times. Her task was to reach out to the homeless in Chicago, several years ago. She had one major hurdle already taken care of She was not hesitant to go out on the streets. As she said, “I’m not afraid. Cautious, yes. Afraid, no.”

Heartland Alliance believes that health care is a human right. That is why the Health Outreach tries so diligently to reach out to the homeless, recent and illegal immigrants, refugees, people with mental issues, and issues with substance use.

Just hearing Rachel talk about her work with Heartland Health Outreach was moving and heart-rending. She came into regular contact with “Stanley.” (not his real name) Stanley was an older man, very intelligent and literate, but insistent about remaining homeless. (Common newspaper reading for Stanley were the New York Times and the Guardian.) However, Stanley’s self-care was much less than adequate.

Rachel and the other workers at the Health Outreach finally convinced Stanley to come to one of their clinics where they were able to clean him up. They cut his straggly beard and matted hair, washed him thoroughly, and—especially—got him to take off his boots. (The boots had been on his feet for approximately one year. Imagine what the state of his feet were, inside. Rachel told me, in graphic detail, what was under the clothing and inside the boots.)

She talked about a shy, disturbed woman, “Anna.” (not her real name) Anna had serious issues with trust and control. The workers finally gained her trust enough to get a little of her background, her story. Horrific details came out. People from the Health Outreach were able to get Anna to go to a hospital emergency room and let them know about some of the physical things that had been happening.

So sad, yet longing to be back, Rachel told me of the toll her work took on her, personally. She would be intensely moved, and need to think about the people she met, for some time afterwards. Unwind after the difficult times of work. Or I should say, ministry. Rachel is a woman of faith. Even though the Heartland Alliance is a secular organization, many people who work or volunteer there are also people of faith. They actively work for the betterment of treatment for the homeless. For those who do not have enough. For those who need health or dental care.

What did Jesus tell His disciples to do, on that Maundy Thursday evening?   “I have set you an example, that you should do as I have done to you.” Just so, Heartland Alliance and Heartland Health Outreach are following in Jesus’ footsteps. May we do the same, and intentionally pray and seek out opportunities of service.

@chaplaineliza

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Helpful Conversation—on Such a Topic! (Feature Friday!)

A Year of Being Kind blog – Friday, April 4, 2014

Helpful Conversation—on Such a Topic! (Feature Friday!)

Conversation starters. We all know them. “Hello!” “Pleased to meet you.”“How’s the weather today?” “How ‘bout those Bears/Hawks/Cubs?”

But what about topics that bring conversation to an absolute standstill? How about—death?

Small groups, medium-sized groups of people gather to talk about death at what is known as a Death Café. Some talk candidly, openly. Some with wistful sadness or still-palpable grief. Others with realism, tinged with fear or anxiety, seasoned with love for those who have passed on. Death, that final parting.

These Death Cafés can be made easier by adding tea (or coffee) and sweets. Here in the Chicago area, Death Cafés have been facilitated since October 2012 by Victoria Noe and Dan Bulf. A Café is not a therapy session, not a support group. But it’s a safe place, a space to be freely open about death and dying. Dan especially has taken the idea of Death Cafés and run with it. Dan Bulf is a trained group facilitator. He has hosted and facilitated Cafés at such diverse places as senior citizen residences and coffee shops, and—in ten days, at the Whole Foods in Northbrook.

But where did the idea for a Death Café come from? For that, we need to look to Switzerland, at the “café mortels” of the early 2000’s, organized by the Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz. Inspired by this whole topic, a British man called Jon Underwood held the first Death Café in his home in England, in 2011. From there, the concept has taken off and become modestly successful. Modestly, because of the leery feeling that mainstream American culture maintains concerning death.

Dan recently reflected on one of several reasons behind these gatherings. “One of my personal challenges doing cause-based workshops like the Death Cafe is the accepting money in exchange for growth experiences. These experiences are offered to provide growth, connection and some fun. They come from my heart, so I make up that it should be a gift freely given. But there’s the reality that my time and efforts have value at a monetary level as well and intra-personal.”

One of Dan’s friends, whom he was trying to get to donate his time and expertise as a regular contributor, told him that money is like energy. It needs to flow, it isn’t natural to be contained or directed in a straight line. His philosophy made sense: a circle needs to be created and sustained for this energy. Dan figured that his efforts will dead end without participants completing the circle.

Dan has asked me to help him facilitate several of these Death Cafés around Chicago in the past year, because I have training as a chaplain, and with grief and end of life concerns. All kinds of thoughts of God—or a Higher Power—or a Life Force—are discussed. These conversations affect many, if not all, of those listening to a deep extent. I find them to be revealing, sensitive, even humorous at times. And many of those who attend have a Christian outline or understanding to life and death. Yes, sometimes certain people who come to a Café might still be dealing with some painful, raw issues. But Dan also wants those who attend to celebrate their finite lives, and not just get caught up in dark or sad thoughts.

He also needs to balance. To pick and choose where he might use his knowledge, understanding of group behavior, and ability to lead a conversation—and where the energy needs to flow. As Dan says, “It’s not easy.”

Thanks, Dan, for leading the way in this important conversation. (For more information see the website http://deathcafechicago.com/ )
@chaplaineliza
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Connecting People, Being Kind!

A Year of Being Kind blog – Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Connecting People, Being Kind!

I have a new friend! Azar is the Director of Kids Academy, a preschool in the church where I now work in Morton Grove. She is a lovely woman, and so good and caring with the small children and teachers she directs. She has been leading this preschool for twenty years. I have had an interest in preschool ever since my children were small and attended preschool themselves. Being a helper with the children in the classroom and contributing my time was important to me. I look forward to getting to know Azar better and finding out where I might best be able to help her.

When we were talking briefly today, I happened to mention the preschool my two younger children had attended, several suburbs over from where I work. Azar had heard of the preschool, but didn’t have any more contact with it than that. “I know the Director there,” I said. “I’d be happy to give her a call and connect you two. I think you both would really benefit from knowing each other. And you’re both lovely ladies,” I smiled as I spoke.

My new friend was overjoyed! She thanked me several times as we finished our conversation, and before we went our separate ways.
I reflected on this brief interaction, afterwards. My husband says I not only have the gifts of caring and encouragement, but also a knack for connecting people sometimes. I guess this must be one of those times. That connection-part doesn’t happen every week, or even on a regular basis, but my mind makes connections when people talk to me. (That’s what comes of my being a professional listener, trained in ways of listening and interpreting verbal and non-verbal communication.) So when I make mental-connections, I often mention them to the person or people I’m talking with. And sometimes, I take the next step and introduce the people involved to each other. I’m so pleased when that happens!

God must be pleased when we use the skills and gifts we were given to be useful to others. Or helpful. Or creative. I am not sure whether this knack of connection and connecting people is a bona fide gift from God or not, but I certainly get some pleasure out of doing it! I don’t think God gives skills, gifts and graces to be burdensome. Instead, I figure it’s a part of God’s extravagant, endless creativity.

I don’t quite understand how this mental-connection thing works, but I’ve experienced it. I know it does work. My husband has even verified and acknowledged I have this particular thing, this grace. This ‘something’ from God. That’s enough for me. I am content. And, I get the feeling that God is pleased.

@chaplaineliza
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Be Kind, Serve Others, Forgive Myself

A Year of Being Kind blog – Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Be Kind, Serve Others, Forgive Myself

Another day, another opportunity for service. I did do several acts of service today. There are a few I could ordinarily write a decent post about. And,  I promise to write a blog post soon about my evolving thoughts on acts of service. But—today also happened to be Ash Wednesday. I was so busy in the morning and afternoon that I hardly had time to turn around, much less take time to pray.

I got a lot done today, admittedly. I did some laundry for a senior acquaintance of mine—among other things. I ran some necessary errands. I made a few important telephone calls. So, yes. I did do several acts of service for others. However, that is not what is on my mind today. Instead, my mind is focusing on prayer. Or, lack of prayer today. I did not have time to pray this morning, as is my usual habit lately.  Today of all days, I did not pray.

I did a good deal of busy work today. Some of it happened to be very necessary, and a lot of it much appreciated. But I did not take time for me until the church service this evening. It was then that I had the leisure to slow down, take a deep breath, and pray.

Going back in my memory to Ash Wednesdays past, I was not always so connected, so penitential. Sometimes I intellectualized the observance. It depended on where I was, in my thoughts and my experience. I was always respectful. I always honored and respected those who wished to receive the imposition of ashes, or sink to their knees in penitence, or lift their hands in prayer.  But that observant person was not always me. I wasn’t that guy. At least, not often.

But today was different. I felt especially penitent for this observance of Ash Wednesday. And, I truly missed the fact that I was unable to pray this morning. I don’t think it was because I had especially huge sins to confess since the last Lenten observance. No, I suspect it was because I had grown closer to God. For some reason. I am not saying that my acts of service and my Year of Being Kind have anything to do with my relative closeness to God this Ash Wednesday. (But, there may really be a precaution, or a praise. Whatever.)

I did have a close connection to God this evening. I did feel a special openness to God while I sat there in church. I was able to pray with several minutes of absolutely clarity. And, I did confess my sins to God. I felt the forgiveness, mercy and love of God return to me, too.  I prayed, asked forgiveness, and God took care of my sins being right away. Talk about fast! And I didn’t even have to rewind, retweet, or  replay. Thanks, God. Thanks for Your forgiveness, grace and mercy towards me, and towards all who ask Your forgiveness with a penitent heart

@chaplaineliza

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Kindness through Connection (As in People)

A Year of Being Kind blog – Saturday, February 15, 2014

friends drinking coffee – painting courtesy of the BBC

Kindness through Connection (As in People)

Some days ago, I happened to run into a friend of mine. I hadn’t seen this friend for a number of months, and was very happy to reconnect with him. Someone was with him, someone I had never met before. I smiled my friendly smile and stepped towards this second man. He seemed a bit hesitant and taken aback, almost as if he was unsure exactly why I’d even smile at him. My chaplain antennae started twitching. I detected something, some way of being that concerned me. I softened my voice and manner and started talking to him and our mutual friend, both together.

After seating ourselves and after initial uncertainty, my new friend opened up. He and I made an instant connection, too. He told me he had been out of work for a number of months. As the months began to pile up, he became more and more discouraged. I recognized the plight and problem of the long-term unemployed: employers hesitating even to consider people who have been unemployed for a long period of time. This wasn’t under-employment, but instead unemployment, pure and simple. Feelings of uselessness, self-pity, anger, despair, depression. (Sadly, I could relate, since I have gone through similar times in my own life and experience.)

This sort of thing does not happen to me all the time, or even most of the time. But making an instant connection does happen sometimes. And when I get the feeling, the urge to talk with someone, I usually listen to that urge. And, I listen to the person, too. As I was taught, I try to journey with the person for a little while. And, I try to actively listen to the story the person brings to me, too.

After I found out what my new friend had been doing before he was “downsized,” I realized I was acquainted with an older man who had worked for decades in the same industry before his retirement. Accordingly, I told my new friend. It was marvelous to see him perk up and tentatively begin to blossom. He asked me whether I could give the retired fellow his name and number. “Certainly!” I again smiled my friendly smile at him. I cautioned that I might not see this retired man for a number of days. My new friend said that would be okay—he had been unemployed for so long, a few more days (give or take) wouldn’t matter.

So, I ran into the retired man yesterday. He was interested in the story of my new friend’s long-term unemployment, and readily gave me his telephone number. However, he cautioned, my new friend needed to call him. (Excellent strategy—make the unemployed man need to do something.)

I called my new friend today. I gave him the cell phone number, and boy, was he grateful!  For him, this phone number was a lifeline, a connection with an industry that had been holding him at arm’s length for months. He said thank you to me, several times.

All because I made a connection, introducing two people who otherwise might never have met. What a way to be kind. What an opportunity to show caring and encouragement.

@chaplaineliza

Being Kind, Crossing International Borders

A Year of Being Kind blog – Saturday, January 11, 2014

“Walking with Friends,” by Carolee Clark

Being Kind, Crossing International Borders

Earlier today, I happened to stop on the stairs. I had an unexpected encounter with someone from another country, and I hope I was of service.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ll give a little background, and set up the story. As is my habit during the week, I went to the gym to do some stretching and cardio exercise. I had finished a good workout, and started down to the women’s locker room. Halfway down the stairs, I saw a young woman holding an open pamphlet, obviously reading intently. She looked puzzled, and frowned at the piece of paper. I slowed down, since she caught my attention. She glanced up. We smiled at each other. And that’s all it took for her to engage me in conversation.

As it turned out, she held a pamphlet that listed information about GED classes. She trustingly started pouring out her story in accented but fairly good English. She wanted to take a GED course. And then, get her GED to be more prepared to get jobs here in the Chicago area. I encouraged her, and took a look at the pamphlet with her. “Yes,” I said. “The GED class you want is at the high school, on Tuesday night.” She told me about studying English in high school, in her country of origin in South America. Again I smiled and was encouraging. “You speak English really well for taking only a couple of years of classes. I wish I could speak another language as well.” She beamed and nodded her head in gratitude for my words. She was very hesitant about English grammar, it turned out. Plus, she also was enrolled in citizenship classes. I was quite supportive. “That’s great! I wish you the best in both of your classes. God’s blessings in this new year, too.” She smiled even more widely. She wanted to know my name. Elizabeth, I told her. She readily gave me her name. I think I made a new friend!

This is not an isolated incident. I guess I have that kind of appearance that makes me approachable. People come up to me on the street, or when I’m stopped at a stop light. They’ll roll down their window and tell me they’re lost. And, ask directions. Or when I’m standing in line at a grocery store they’ll engage me in conversation. Tell me about personal details of their lives. Believe me, it happens! (My family is endlessly amused, and say that I have that kind of face. Or chaplainly air. Or something.)

In preparation for this year of service, I’ve prayed specifically to be open and willing, each day. As subtext to my month’s service, for January, the verse I have chosen is Ephesians 4:32. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” I think I was kind to this sweet young woman. She and I made a genuine connection. And—I pray that I was of service.

@chaplaineliza