Being Kind, Keeping A Confidence

A Year of Being Kind blog – Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Being Kind, Keeping A Confidence

Just about everyone knows about gossips. People who can’t hold their tongues, and go blabbing to all and sundry. Gossip-py people can be tiresome. They can also cause a great deal of disruption. It all depends on how much they gossip, and what about. Oh, and what kind of rumors or half-truths they end up telling, too. But what about those people who purposely try not to spread mis-information?

I tried my best to be of service today, and listen to a dear acquaintance of mine. I used my active listening skills, and practiced several of the motivational interviewing skills I learned. (Valuable skills, indeed! Thanks to my substance abuse counseling instruction!) And most importantly—I found, yet again, how needed it is for me to come alongside of someone. Journey with them for a little, and try to listen with a less-anxious presence. With as little judgment in my heart as possible. And—to keep things as confidential as possible.

I know, this practice is so, so difficult! Yes. True. But that doesn’t make it any the less needed. Any the less appreciated. Yes, I did try, to the best of my ability. And, I hope I was an encouragement and a comfort to my acquaintance.

I also preached a sermon at a midweek service this afternoon. The sermon was based on Matthew 10:42 and I enjoyed both the sermon as well as the preaching of it. I received a great number of comments afterwards on the sermon, and almost every comment was positive. (I did like that. It stroked my ego.)

However, I am not sure which interaction I had today, which would make God more pleased. I know I encouraged and blessed people in their hearing and reading of the Bible passage, and their attendance at the midweek service. And, I hope I gave some encouragement and comfort to my acquaintance in the midst of the difficult, continuing situation I heard about today.

I could just take the easy way out. Say that God was pleased by both situations. And, use one of my favorite expressions: “both/and.”

Yes, I think God was pleased by both/and. I don’t think I serve and love an “either/or” kind of God. No, I’m glad God is both/and.

@chaplaineliza

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Opportunity for Kindness? Listen!

A Year of Being Kind blog – Saturday, June 28, 2014

Opportunity for Kindness? Listen!

I know I’ve spoken about my active listening skills in this space, previously. I’ve even joked a bit about being a “professional listener.” That’s what sometimes happens when a person is in my profession. First, as a chaplain. Now, as a pastor. (My therapist and I have talked about it, at length, and it’s happened often to us both. We’ve talked about it, several times. As have a chaplain friend and I.)

People don’t even need to know what I do for a living. They simply come up to me and start talking. It’s true! I am not even joking.

Today was a great example. I volunteered to take a good friend to the airport, early in the morning. On the way back, I decided to go straight to the YMCA. After a thorough workout, I was leisurely getting dressed in the locker room. Sure enough, a woman—a little younger than I was—started to talking to me, almost non-stop. Lovely woman, wearing such a pretty blouse. I had never met her before, and she and I had not even exchanged names. Yet—this woman soon was telling me some intimate details of her life and the lives of several of her loved ones. And—it didn’t stop there.

Two more people just came up to me later in the morning, and started pouring out their lives to me, too. I handled this with some aplomb, as well as personal kindness and interest. Yes, people do periodically come up to me, and tell me lots of things. And—this is the important part—the three people today? I do not believe anyone had let them know about my profession before these chance meetings. And all three of these new people? I hope that I helped them.

I didn’t even need to open my mouth: that’s how ready to share these three individuals were. And me? I realized that a priinted conversation was also a way to display the verse for June, too: “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16 )

Again, I didn’t do a thing. God, thanks for making each of us in such a unique way. Yet, You provide for each of us to have that safety valve, that way of talking to God (vertically) and to other human beings (horizontally). And especially, thank God for giving us Yourself, offering Yourself in such a selfless, loving way. Such an example for everyone!

Thanks again, God. Appreciate it.

@chaplaineliza

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In Which I Am a Pianist and a Chaplain

A Year of Being Kind blog – Thursday, April 17, 2014

In Which I Am a Pianist and a Chaplain

Today was a busy day! Since it was Maundy Thursday, I had a good deal to take care of today. And tonight. After dashing to church to make certain the bulletin and order of worship for Good Friday’s worship service was all set, I dashed—again—over to the senior residence to play for the health care Maundy Thursday services. I do love being of service to the dear elderly people. Whether infirm, or cognitively impaired, or both, I consider this an important part of my ministry.

The dramatic reading in the brief services today took the place of a sermon. Given the material covered from the book of Luke, the reading certainly provided a great deal of interest. And raw emotion. Spiritual impact, too. I heard the reading given three separate times, and each time different things stood out for me.

Yes, I was of service. And yes, I did play a number of pieces and arrangements of hymns and gospel songs. I felt useful and needed. I guess being of service regularly would help that. The useful and needed parts, I mean. Then, lunch with several chaplains. That’s always a pleasant opportunity that I have: having a meal at the retirement center where I sometimes play the piano. Such a great place to continue relationships, too.

But, wait! That’s not all! I continued to be of service with a good friend this afternoon. I listened, and served as an (unofficial) chaplain. Really, my active listening skills came to the forefront. I didn’t even have to “turn them on,” because the skills just sort of turned on, by themselves. I heard about the continuing challenges and difficulties in my good friend’s life. I think I made a difference, just being there. Just listening and trying to understand.

I guess both situations are places where I tried to journey a little way with others. In the first case, I played the piano and journeyed with these dear seniors as they experienced an important worship service today—Maundy Thursday communion service. And then, my friend this afternoon. I really tried to understand a little more and provide what encouragement I could. In other words, I tried to journey with my friend for a little while. As my mentor Claude-Marie Barbour has said many, many times, journeying with someone is the most important part of being with them in a pastoral or spiritual way.

Just thinking of her is a reminder for me to pray for my mentor and friend Claude-Marie. I do wish her well! And I will call her after Easter to give her my best Easter greetings, too! Except—we need to get through Good Friday, first. Going through the valley of the shadow, journeying with Jesus as He walked that lonesome road through Gethsemane and beyond.

@chaplaineliza

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Scattered, but Still Trying to Be Kind

A Year of Being Kind blog – Thursday, April 10, 2014

Scattered, but Still Trying to Be Kind

God, so much to do, so many things to remember. I think I remembered just about everything. Except my power cord for my cell phone. But that’s okay.

Among other activities I did, I happened to meet with a new friend today. We talked about a number of things. And, I did one of the things I happen to do reasonably well: I listened. Active listening (again!). Again and again, I’ve found myself in recent situations where I fall back on one of my strong suits. And listen I do.

I had another meeting today, which was great. A good deal of information was passed to and fro, and I feel really positive about it. Isn’t it wonderful when something happens that you know—intuitively—was deep down good? That’s how I feel today. Good! Positive! Satisfied.

This reminds me of the verse that I chose for the month of April: Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” Here in this verse, the Apostle talks about working with all my heart. Not half-hearted. With enthusiasm! Positive! Satisfied! Encouraging, too.

I know I sometimes think about what other people are going to say. I suppose that’s natural. However, I need to redirect my focus. Take my focus off others and place it on the Lord. I suppose I need to remind myself that God is my Boss, my Manager. And with God in the highest supervisory position/role, I can relax. God is not going to be dictatorial, or arbitrary, or downright mean to me! (And believe me, I have had bosses who have been all that, and more!)

Yes, today held a great deal of work, but there was some fun in there, too. I hope and pray I was an encouragement for the people I met.

Gee, I wonder what tomorrow will bring? God, hurry up and show me! I can hardly wait.

@chaplaineliza

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How Can I Be Kind? Be Present for Others!

A Year of Being Kind blog – Saturday, March 8, 2014

Saturday morning – Monmouth College Fall retreat, 2005 – Painting Prayers

How Can I Be Kind? Be Present for Others!

My family took a trip today to Michigan and back. Not particularly a nice day for travel, but we had a luncheon appointment planned for this particular day. We went to a fine restaurant in a small town in Michigan and met two older relatives for lunch. Comfortable eating place, wonderful view, excellent company. I think I can safely speak for us all if I say a fine time was had by all of us.

One of the relatives has done a good bit of (lay) work for the church, for a number of decades. I had the opportunity to seriously listen to him and glean some wisdom from him and his vast experience. What an opportunity! I was very glad I could do that. I could see that he felt good, sharing his expertise. And I? I was listening with both ears open—and pen in hand—taking down all the information I could.

On the way back to Chicago this afternoon, I reflected upon the serious discussion the two of us had over the coffee cups, after lunch. Since I’ve worked as a chaplain for most of the past ten years, I could say that I am also a professional-listener. I listen to people with several aural filters: first, spiritual. Since I often act as a chaplain, I have a primary focus on people’s spiritual orientation (and I don’t mean “religious!” but instead, spiritual, internal focus). Second, emotional. I am naturally intuitive and a feeling/perceptive person, so I can actively listen to individuals and their feeling/emotional orientation.

So, I used my active listening skills at lunch today. (It was automatic—they just sort-of switched on. I found myself in the middle of this significant conversation, and I felt my internal, active listening just being there. Fully operational.) Meanwhile, something was going on under the surface inside of my head while I was cogitating on this conversation. I also reflected on something I recently heard at a gathering of friends. A new acquaintance was speaking. She said quite a number of excellent things. However, what was the most significant thing I thought she said? The most important thing she could do for people besides showing up for them was being fully present with them. I truly appreciated that, and took that thought home with me. The zinger for me? I somehow connected the two trains of thought.

I guess I could say that I was fully present with my older relative today. I listened attentively to him after lunch, with appreciation for his wisdom and expertise. I guess I could also say I took the opportunity to be kind today. Actually, the act of service was a two-way gift this afternoon—both for my relative and for me. I think it is just superb how God sovereignly acts in disparate situations and ties them together in my mind—like at lunch today, and in my remembrance of this recent conversation. Awesome job, God! Thanks so much!

@chaplaineliza

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Showing Love by Active Listening

A Year of Being Kind blog – Thursday, February 20, 2014

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers – “Swing Time”

Showing Love by Active Listening

I went to the gym again today. I didn’t have much time, but I started my workout anyhow. Gray, wet sloppy day outside, good day for staying inside. I happened to run into a workout friend while exercising. She and I fell into a conversation. Or rather, she talked more, and I listened. She had some genuine concerns, and I was happy to be of service. Service by listening—showing encouragement and support.

That’s one of the things I’ve been trained to do. Active listening—with an ear to hear primarily spiritual and emotional concerns, but also psychological and physical concerns, as well.  And sometimes, people just want to get things off their chests. I suspected this situation today was more like that. As a chaplain, I strive to listen to the best of my ability. In addition, I can try to be fully present with another person; this is a wonderful gift I can bring to them. People often rush here and there, in a hurry. Going too fast. No time to lose! But chaplaincy has a different orientation. Chaplaincy, by its very nature, takes its time. Slows down. Lowers anxiety and stress. Oh, yeah. Prays sometimes, too.

I have listened to individuals talk for some time. I mean, full range of emotions, from grief to anger to despair to joy. They earnestly share what is going on and where they are in their lives. And then—sometimes—their eyes connect with mine. “Thank you. Thanks for listening.” Then I might smile and say something like, “No problem,” or “I see how much that helped you,” or even “I hope that lightened your heart/spirit.” (depending on the religious orientation of my companion, of course)

Listening with an open mind and a non-judgmental spirit can be a challenge, though. I know I sometimes struggle with doing it! I know I can’t stay consistent. But I keep trying. Like the Dorothy Fields/Jerome Kern song “Pick Yourself Up” from the Fred Astaire movie “Swing Time.” The lyrics I’m thinking of go like this: “I pick myself up, brush myself off, start all over again.”

Fred Astaire—actor in musical comedies of the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s, and one of the finest dancers in the 20^th century in any genre —makes a fine example for me to follow. He always, always tried his hardest to excel at dancing. He kept trying, practicing, doing the steps or routines over and over and over again, until he made the most intricate or difficult steps look effortless.

God, is that what You want from me? Do You desire that I keep practicing active listening? Practice being fully present? Practice my craft, keep working at these chaplain’s skills again and again until they appear effortless?

(What about you? Where do you need to practice? How can you strive to listen to God?)

What a goal to shoot for! God willing, I’ll keep practicing.

@chaplaineliza

Showing Love? Listen! Encourage!

A Year of Being Kind blog – Sunday, February 16, 2014

Showing Love? Listen! Encourage!

I met someone new today. Nothing out of the ordinary. What I did and how I acted after I met her was.

Today was the typical weekend day, not terribly busy, but with enough to do to keep me occupied. Church, errands, going with my daughter to a store.  I happened to meet two other women (one I knew), and a third came up to us a minute or two later. So there we were. The woman I hadn’t met before had just begun a detailed explanation of a difficulty she had. It was an intricate problem, and the three of us stood there, listening. Fascinated.

I could see how my new friend got animated, just by sharing her difficulty. Puzzling, and problematic, too. The other three women (me and my two friends) encouraged her. We were a receptive audience, nodding and letting her know we followed the many-layered story.  She apologized several times for bending our ears, but we reassured her that it was all right.

As I listened, I felt myself accessing my chaplainly skills. Something reminded me of situations with people in a chaplain situation. I knew I wasn’t in that particular, official role for that woman, but I could feel my active listening skills coming into play. I knew the ministry of presence was surrounding us, too. I could sense those spiritual tools right there inside me—ready, set, go!

I’m reminded of a passage of Scripture, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God.” I saw the principle expressed in this verse shown by example today. As the four of us stood there, listening and talking, we had in common the consolation of God. Even as my new friend was afflicted by a serious, intricate, ongoing difficulty, all of us were able to share the consolation with which God has consoled each of us.

As my new friend finished relating her difficult story, I stepped closer to her. She took a deep breath and smiled at me with some relief. “I hadn’t realized how much I was holding inside.” She felt so much lighter after unburdening herself. I returned her smile and told her I was coordinator for an intercessory prayer ministry at my church. I asked whether we might pray for her, but she was hesitant to accept prayer—at first. I assured her that the prayer ministry would be happy to pray for her for four weeks, for her encouragement and comfort. That struck a chord. She nodded with gratitude, and thanked me. Then she apologized again, but had to leave. Her whole air and attitude seemed lighter as we said good bye.

I said only a few words to my new friend, but I listened, and encouraged her.  And, we all shared in God’s consolation. Thank God we can be there, for one another. I’m thankful God is there for me, too.

@chaplaineliza